I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
