i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I just got carded by a ten year old.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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