we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize