you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
