he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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