watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
i think i just lost a toe
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
