I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
