we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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