She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
