there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Even my vagina gasped.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
