two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
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