we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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