What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
