Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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