All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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