I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
She made me pour olive oil on her.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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