Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Randomize
