The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
