You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize