no, he came in my armpit
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
