Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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