PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
