All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
If that was your dad, he is hot
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
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