Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
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