alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
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