my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize