capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
