I must be too annoying 4 u.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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