saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
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