Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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