I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
