Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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