At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
