Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
