Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
