I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize