oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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