someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
never play flip cup with pint glasses
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize