Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
