Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
