how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
