just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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