I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
