Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
