You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
