omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
