There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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