I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
