Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
