If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
