On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Randomize
