You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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