me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
