i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
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