wrigley field is MILF paradise
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
