Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
