You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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