I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
