Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize