Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
