I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize