I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
