My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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