you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
