i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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