im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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