Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
