i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize